Today I got a bath. I don't particularly enjoy the actual act of getting a bath but it sure does feel good afterward. I run and jump and roll around on the ground. Shane and Ellie always have a little laugh at it. That's why I do it. I don't want them to think I'm ungreatful or anything. I also got my teeth brushed. That fucking sucked. Shane shoved a fucking plastic stick down my throat. If he's not careful I'm going to bite his fucking ear off.

Later on I knocked over a Pepsi and they got upset. That was truly an accident. They had to clean up the mess on the white carpet. I don't know what "white" means as I am color blind but they always seem to freak out whenever I puke on the carpet or track in mud.

Anyhow, I'm sure you've tuned in to hear about Hungary not my shitty day. Once I returned to Hungary my new owner name Longpenis trained me to be a guard dog at the local brothel. My job was simple. At night after the establishment had closed the whores were not allowed to leave as they will get high on hash and such. Also, the Johns come in from time to time and rape the whores for fun. This was good fun. You wouldn't believe some of the crazy shit I saw. There was even this one time that this sick mother fucker saw me and offered one of the girls a shit load of money to have some sex with me while he watched. So I bit his balls. Fuck that guy.

It was a pretty easy life. I wasn't quite house trained yet to every time I had the need to take shit I just sort of did and the girls would get all grossed out and this big bastard named Gonnafuckyouup would pick me up by the scruff and throw me in the bathroom while he cleaned things up. It wasn't all bad though I got to smell all the pretty candles and shit.

The whores where nice to me though. They always gave me these doggy treats and little pats on the head. The madame of the house was a mean bitch. I mean she was fucking mean. Every time I saw here I just fucking ran off. Ran fast and far. I hate that bitch. Someday before I leave I'm gonna shit in her shoes.

My time there ended as follows. One day a drunk fucker broke into the house. Now, I was still just a little puppy I mean come the fuck on. I'm more cute than I am mean at this point. So, I tried to bark and make noise and attack and all that stuff but this fucker didn't care. When I approached him all he did was kick me like a football player trying to kick a field goal. My little puppy ass literally flew across the room and through this window. Well I wasn't going to take that shit. So, I got on up and ran all my little legs could but it was tough because my back leg broke when that fucker kicked me.

I dragged my broken leg with me and caught that fucker on his way up the stairs. As soon as heard me coming he wheeled around to kick me again but this time he was so drunk he fell down on his ass. That worked out perfect because now he was down on my level and I started biting his fucking ear off. I chewed and I chewed and this son of a bitch screamed like a little girl. What a pussy. I mean here I am a helpless innocent puppy and I'm dragging around a broken leg. Shortly thereafter Gonnafuckyouup came by and beat this guy with a baseball bat.

So there, I did my job. I sould be rewarded for the selfless act and bravery I showed, right? Wrong! Next day that mean fucking madame decides she has no use for a guard dog with a broken leg. She was going to take me out back and shoot me. As she bent down to take me outside to end my cute little ass I ran as quick as I could into her room and in a last act of defience I shit in her shoes just like I always promised I would. Fuck that bitch. Enjoy your new shit shoes bitch. As luck would have it Gonnafuckyouup interviend and scooped me up. He had a new job for me and that is how I found myself in training as a drug dog. More on that next week.

Talk to you all next week. For now I leave you with this bit of wisdom. Don't try to kill a mame puppy or you will find shit in your shoes.

Cheers,

Bailey Patches

My name is Bailey and this will begin my incredible story. I am a half Aussie Shepard and half Heeler canine extrodanaire. Currently I reside with a young couple named Shane and Ellie and will probably finish my dull boring life with them. But my life was not always so simple. So, let us begin at the proper place....in the beginning.

I was born in Nepal to a Sherpa family. Sherpa's in case you don't know are very hardy people who live in the foothills of the tallest mountains in the world (Mt. Everest) and assist gringos in hauling all of their shit to the base of the mountain. The Sherpa's got smart and said to themselves why should we carry all this shit when we can train dogs to do it for us. And thus they began to breed dogs which is how I came into existence.

When I was but 7 weeks old I was sent on my first trip up the mountain. There was this really fucking mean old bastard that would kick me around when I would stop to take a piss. I wanted to bite that fucking gringo's ear off. What really hurt was that my owner, PooSniffer (Sherpa for sweet smelling roses), did nothing.

Now this maybe a little known fact but the Sherpa people are paid in the form of chocolate candy bars. They have a bit of a sweet tooth. Anyhow, these new gringos had it in their minds to hide the chocolate from the Sherpa by buring them in the ground. Sherpa's are not very trustworthy. Well anyhow, I was selected to ascend the mountain with my owner and that mean fucking gringo. We all got caught in a storm and they began to all freak out because they thought they were going to die. I quitely sat there while the two of them broke down and admitted they were both closet homosexuals and wanted the company of another man just before they died.

Apparently you can't sweat too much when it's really cold or you will die from hyperthermia. These two got so hot and heavy they ended up freezing to death. I didn't care. I hated my owner for not doing anything about being kicked so I pissed on his face. I hated that fucking gringo even more for kicking me so I bit his fucking ear off. And while I was at it, I bit his dick off too. Fuck that gringo.

Anyhow, so now I traveled back down the hill and when I returned I found the camp in serious disarray. Now that the fucking gringo was dead the Sherpa were about to eat the remaining gringos. That's their punishment for not being paid (now a problem because the dead dickless gringo is the only one who knew where the chocolate was buried). I quickly sniffed out the goods and delivered them to the remaining gringos. They were so grateful they adopted me and took me with them back to Hungary (their home country) on the account that me owner was now dead.

Tune in next week to learn about me adventures in Hungary. For now, I leave with this bit of wisdom. Don't kick a dog or your likely to get your fucking dick bit off.

So long for now,

Bailey Patches